Have you ever been blindsided, hit when you least expect it?
I played football for 15 years, so needless to say I’ve experienced that more than enough times.
Physically when that happens your body’s sympathetic nervous system jumps into an immediate “fight-or-flight” mode, the shock of the hit is almost literally reverberating through your body, and you can feel your pulse everywhere.
It’s at times painful (normal), and other times exhilarating (if you’re a crazy football player).
But sometimes you can get blindsided, not physically, but spiritually, psychologically, or emotionally. And that may hurt even worse, and the effects may stick around even longer.
I had this experience a few mornings ago. I’ve been doing really well internally (psychologically, emotionally, spiritually), and confident of the place in life I’m currently in. My wife and I have been content that this is a season of life that the Lord has invited us into, and we’ve been learning how to both navigate it and be thankful for it.
In the midst of a season that God has invited us into, I was blindsided by fear and doubt.
Am I doing enough?
Is this all worth it?
What am I moving towards?
My body was reverberating from the shock of the hit. I could feel my pulse everywhere. I had the aggressive response, wanting to react in anger towards whatever it was that just hit me. And I wanted to hit it back. Hard.
But I was scared. I was struck by the ultimate if/then scenarios that were all ridiculous and full of fear and worry and distrust of God.
Thankfully later that same morning I was able to meet with my friend and spiritual director to work through this hit.
I didn’t get answers, but I feel like I got more clarity.
If I believe that this really is a season that God has invited me into, then why do I feel so uncertain, afraid, worried?
What could God be trying to reveal to me about myself?
I wrote a little while ago about my theme for this year being slow, and I have been trusting God to give both Meg and I space to intentionally slow down.
We’ve been doing that. It’s been good. Really good.
Then why did this happen? Where did it come from?
I don’t necessarily have an answer. Maybe it’s a deep issue in me. Maybe it’s the opposition of the world trying to leave me a little lame.
Regardless, in all of this, I’m thankful that I have a wife who stands with me, who isn’t afraid of God leading us rightly and kindly, and who can speak truth to me when I get hit with lies and fear and worry.
And I’m thankful that I can’t force the Lord’s hand. He knows what He’s doing. And I don’t have to defend myself.
As difficult as that is, it’s true.
If nothing else, I’m reminded that I need peace that isn’t dependent on circumstances but on a God who is always good and who cares for us.