Sometimes, perception trumps clarity.
I am one of the most uncertain people I know, at least internally. In barely anything am I absolutely certain I am doing the “right” thing, or whether I’m doing it the “right” way.
I often feel like John Mayer, saying:
“Still ‘everything happens for a reason’ is no reason not to ask myself if I’m living it right.”
I find myself fidgeting, trying to reel in something I imagine is floating in my head, some answer, some clarity for what’s going on in my life.
This reeling isn’t necessarily crippling, but it’s definitely debilitating in some areas. I find myself eating away time just thinking, not moving forward in any way. I’m worrying, really.
My own common misconception is that I must have an answer first, an answer to a question that actually cannot and will not be answered unless I move.
But, I’m more comfortable staying, waiting, thinking that if I think hard and long enough I’ll arrive at the answer to my unanswerable-without-doing question.
The uncertainty leaks into my emotions, diluting the substance of discernment I would prefer to have. My emotions are now hard to read, hard to understand whether they are from fear or wisdom, from lack of faith or truth, from experience or uncertainty.
That’s where I am. If I’m honest, I don’t leave this place as often as I’d like. I’d like to be supremely confident in all the choices I make, but I’m not.
I know my God is good, and hasn’t made me an idiot, so I can trust that He’s with me and guiding me into His purposes. Even still, I worry about my life. Then, all the more convicting I find Jesus’ words: “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”
No. I can’t.
I still need some help, though.
Maybe perception is more important than clarity.
Maybe clarity won’t always be there, but if I see my present circumstances through a different lens, the same lens through which God sees my life, then peace may actually interpose my unrest.