Ironically yesterday I wrote about two questions that I believe are absolutely necessary for us to continuously answer: who are you, and what do you believe?
I know who I am, and I know what I believe, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have trouble seeing clearly. If I’m honest with you, I struggle with answering those questions sometimes. I struggle with being confident in my identity, and I struggle to be as as faithful and believing in God and what He says as I want to be. If I’m honest with you, I get scared. I’m a little too self-conscious. I become afraid of screwing up so I don’t try, or I’ll only try just enough so I don’t become too committed or get too connected. I love people, but my perception of how they view me isn’t always good, or true.
Even when people compliment me, or when girls are attracted to me, or when I’m admired in some way, I can still disregard it, or choose to not believe it. My self-consciousness pushes it away and I say, “But there’s this thing about me…” I disqualify myself.
I don’t always do this. I guess I don’t often do this, but I definitely do it every now and again. It’s frustrating, because I want to believe and live and speak everything I know in my heart to be true about me and about you, and especially about God. I don’t want my own shortcomings or worries to drown out the truth.
I don’t want to strangle the identity that God has given me, nor do I want to discredit the good that others see in me even if I sometimes choose not to see it myself.
I’m in process. I’m being made and formed every day, learning to throw off all that hinders and entangles me.
The race I’m on is a long one, but it’s a race that’s worth running. It’s a race with an assured and guaranteed prize, one that won’t be taken away from me even if I struggle to believe.
I will keep running, but sometimes I feel like I’m still just learning how to move my feet.