I try to be everywhere and do everything.
Work, meetings, writing, and weddings have filled the majority of my schedule recently. Those things are great in and of themselves, but there comes a point when one begins to lose a little bit of himself or herself amongst these things.
Here is the deal. I am incredible at filling my life with things, with people, and with appointments, yet I can still feel alone and unproductive or worthless.
Part of this is brokenness in my heart. Part of it is a lie. Part of it is forgetting what and who brings me joy. And part of it is simply missing Jesus and focusing too often on what I perceive to bring others joy.
I say “perceive” because many times I think that I have to be at that meeting, with that person, doing that thing in order to fulfill their expectation and bring them some sort of joy or happiness. But many times, the reality is different than my perception. If I’m spending time with people and I’m not actually present with them, engaging in the moment, loving them in the moment, and instead I am simply looking to check off off the to-do list and move on to the next thing, then I’m only posing as an expectation-fulfiller, and failing even to do that.
My motive is to love, yet I’m only pacifying someone’s much deeper need. People need people to be with them, not just meet with them. People need people to love them and laugh with them and cry with them, in the moment.
My love and your love isn’t the fulfiller of someone’s need, but it’s a catalyst for the love of Jesus to break in.
I haven’t loved as well as I want to, and I haven’t been as present with people as they deserve. I’m trying, and I really desire to love people better.
I want to come to a deeper understanding of myself. I want to better know my limitations. And I want a clearer view of who Jesus is, and a deeper intimacy with Him who is the only true hope and fulfiller of expectations. I want to just be Anthony. Broken, tired, sometimes lonelier than I want to be, hopeful, weak and strong at the same time, all over the place, just trying to love people.
Be still my soul.
God is still God, and I am still not. He still loves me, and I am still in process.